2023: A Year of Failure littered with Success

31 May, 2024

I’ve been putting this off for months. I started writing this on New Year’s Eve and just got bogged down with it. But it’s been a mental block for me for too long, and it’s time to draw a line and move forward.

So, that in mind, let’s review my theme for the 2023, the Year of Intentionality.

Let's start by revisiting what the theme meant to be at the start of the year.

I broke it up into three distinct sections: Intentional Mind, covering both taking care of my mental health and setting up a clear system for handling the world around me within my control; Intentional Actions, trying to promote a more deliberate and less impulsive or reactionary approach to my decision making; and Intentional Relationships, taking a similar deliberate approach and effort in maintaining my relationships.

My vision was that by the end of the year, I'd slow down a lot more. I'd take a more mindful view on what was in front of me, whether that's my impulse to eat everything in the house, or whether or not to actually see a friend, so on. I'd be happier, healthier, more productive, and better in general.

The reality was vastly different.

Objectively, a lot had happened. I survived a major redundancy cull in my company, and my wife went through one of her own. We've had multiple things wrong with the house and the mortgage was set to increase this year¹. We started couples therapy, and while it's wasn’t focused on anything relationship ending it is a draining and difficult experience. Oh, and family drama like I've never had before.

Still, the result of that can't be ignored. I threw any attempt at serious fitness out the window and did lip service, resulting in me weighting the heaviest in nearly two years. My body ached from it, my cardio levels were on the basement floor. I isolated myself, gradually at first, turning down the odd meet up here and there and leaving some messages on unread for a few days until it became the default and the only person I really saw was my wife, who I live with. Then there's the breakdown, the mask slipping just enough to worry my wife and scare me into upping my meds, putting me back on the maximum dose.

There were times I thought some of my decisions were intentional. I was intentionally letting my diet slip in order to reduce the pressure on my slowly breaking mind. I was intentionally staying home to reduce the massive fatigue I get from socialising. But it wasn't intentional in that way; it was reactionary, fear induced impulses to run and hide from the trouble approaching.

What I actually should have done was recognise the signs back in August and rely on my own interpretation of my symptoms, rather than sense check with others. Would have potentially stopped the breakdown, or at least reduced it, and maybe even have turned the year around way back when. Maybe I wouldn't have weighed in at 290 pounds at year end.²

But hindsight is 20/20, etc etc. It's done.

It wasn't all horrific though.

First, I did make some intentionally good choices. My reading increased to 16 books this year, up from a whole 6 managed last year. Some of them are new additions to my favourites list, including I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, and Turtles All The Way Down by John Green. I also made sure to give audiobooks another go, and it kind of worked as long as the book is light enough.

Similarly, I've made an attempt to expand our TV and movie choices. We spend most evenings chilled together on the sofa watching something, so rather than watching Modern Family and Friday Night Dinner on constant repeat, we felt it was probably a good idea to try new things. We finished Ted Lasso (instant new favourite), recently binged all 16 season of Always Sunny, watched a few of Apple TVs movie offerings (Coda is incredible), and even managed to get the wife into more anime. ³

Speaking of the wife, I don't think we've ever been closer and stronger. The therapy has really improved how we check in and help each other. There’s still some habits we need to work on, but we have a much better understanding of each other, and a strong framework on which to build.

Probably my biggest success though was hidden in my defeats: making the decision to increase my meds again. In a sea of chaos and impulsiveness backed by trademarked stubbornness, I was able to get the clarity and humility needed to make the call. Once I got over the idea that I was going backwards, I was firm and confident in my decision, and still have no regrets other than perhaps I should have done it sooner. It was a textbook example of the kind of decision I had in mind when I started the Year of Intentionality. Strong thought out decisions with the right intentions in mind.

2023 then was a real test of my stoic objectivity.

My natural instinct is not so much to draw a line but to hide it in the annals of my personal history, never to be confronted or directly talked about again, but that would be neither helpful, healthy, or fair.

The year and the theme might not have been a net positive personal success story for me, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t successes along the way, and it doesn’t mean those successes are any less meaningful or impactful. Treating the year as a total loss doesn’t act as a motivator, but instead taints the things I should be proud off.

And to be frank, it doesn’t help and never really has.

That’s why I haven’t written this post for so long. That’s why when I originally started this year with the theme of Foundation Repair, it was a non-starter. I didn’t have to wipe the slate clean and rebuild, fixing all the cracks and damage to the foundation. Instead, as. I thought about what I really wanted for the year, two words started floating around my head.

Acceptance. Accountability.

That’s next time.

Footnotes

#yearly_theme