Am I Just...Lazy?
I remember the first time I asked that to my mum. It was in sixth form (grades 11 and 12 for my US readers), and I'd noticed I was struggling to get myself to do things. Studying, homework, even classes sometimes. I couldn't seem to get myself to do any of it, preferring to do nothing if that was the only option presenting itself.
Mum didn't really know how to respond. I'd always been pretty motivated growing up through school, always shooting high, always backing up my words. I don't think she quite knew how to handle this side of me, which was a pattern I saw in teachers and friends alike.
Of course, the answer then is the same as the answer when I asked myself the same thing now.
No dude, you're not lazy. You're depressed.
Don't get me wrong, I am very much a guy that can enjoy a day of doing absolutely nothing of any real productive value. A day on the chaise corner of the sofa, a nice blanket, glass of wine, treats and a book: perfect. Or last Bank Holiday Monday, where I spent eight hours playing Stardew Valley.
It's just not my default; they're things I have to build to, sometimes force myself to do. My mind is constantly busy, constantly wanting to do something, and cursing my body for not being able to do it or for not giving me the mental energy required. Chores around the house, things to write or read or learn, places to go, weights to lift, goals to figure out and achieve.
I've been struggling with it a lot the past couple of weeks; a mounting build up of tension and depression in my head. I almost typed that I had no release valves, no way to get rid of some of this pressure, but of course that's not true. I do. It's just that procrastination isn't limited to sending that email or paying that bit, but also self-care and healing.
Instead of stretching and journaling in the morning, I spend the first hour and a half on the sofa reading the same links over and over on Reddit.
Instead of reading during the day, or the evening, I'm on my phone.
Instead of going up to bed straight away with my wife, I'm whittling away time reading junk on my phone.
Instead of writing this post, I've been doing literally anything else to distract me from being vulnerable.
I'm not lazy, I'm just tired of the struggle. So I let it win for a while and get surprised when I find it hard to do stuff with my face in the dirt.
I think it's long past time to pick myself back up.
I started it off yesterday by finally performing some at home therapy exercises. There was a lot to process, so that took a couple of hours. Today I've at least watered the grass seed, done the shopping, and posting this. I'll finally pick up some reading afterwards, and have a kick ass stir fry after that whilst nursing my poor wife. Then tomorrow, it's probably time to up the effort at work a bit.
Time to drop the idea that stasis is good for me. Time to start trying again.
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