dipping my toes in the water

18 Sep, 2023

I'm coming back from a slow burning breakdown. Trying to re-engage with the things I cut out in firefighting mode, focusing on keeping myself from heading into the Danger Zone by reducing everything that could possibly set off an Episode. Even if those things are helpful for me, because to paraphrase Batfleck, if there's even a 1% chance it could set off an Episode, I have to treat it as an absolute certainty.¹

Blogging was one of those things, all down to the fact that the only things I could to think of writing were dark or angst ridden topics, and spending a couple of hours writing them on a Sunday just kind of ruined things.

The problem with re-engaging with things after a prolonged period of giving them all the double fingers is the added difficulty of being aware you're starting over. Socialising means remembering how to actually hold a conversation whilst convincingly answering the question 'How are you?'. Reading means putting the dopamine fuel down and actually giving yourself space to concentrate on something other than doom scrolling.

And blogging means feeling like everything I'm writing is disingenuous and phoney.

But socialising means I'm not isolating myself in my own bubble, reading means engaging my brain and imagination in positive ways, and blogging means engaging my creativity. I shunned it for three months thinking it didn't help and only fuelled my insecurities and pain, ignoring the fact that the more I wrote, the better I felt about, well, most things.

I tried to write this post three or four times now, and I think the reason I deleted it all every time was the same reason I struggle to start most things after a prolonged period of avoiding them; it felt like a Thing I had to Get Right, that I had to really Nail and give Meaning to. Like I had to make it worth doing by bearing all and creating a Message, and every time I tried it just felt fake.

Course, all I really need to do is do it. Doesn't matter if I'm writing a manifesto, or just dipping my toes in the water to feel. Just like I don't need to 100% a game, or read an 800 page book for it to be a Win, maybe I just need to write something and open that door a little bit again to see how the light feels.

So that's what this is. That's all this is. No deep meaning or story, no tell all, nothing meant to inspire or create humour. Just the metaphorical dipping of my toes. Because things are still pretty crap on a number of fronts, but that doesn't mean I need to cut out the things I love doing just because they can also bring more pain.

Not everything I do has to have a point. Some things can just be for shits and grins.

And boy, have I missed this.

If you enjoyed this post and want to read more of the same you can subscribe via email or RSS.