Stop Trying
I could talk for pages about the obvious things that helped me escape my most recent spiral, but it wouldn't be much different from every other mental health blog. Journal first thing to re-organise my thoughts and ground myself after a night of weird dreams. Meditate as often as is practicable. Engage in hobbies, see and talk to others, get more sunlight, stop me if it's sounding familiar.
But the thing that actually stopped the descent and gave me solid ground to jump from always surprises me.
STOP TRYING
ACCEPT THE REALITY OF YOUR CURRENT STATE AND STOP TRYING
I'm a thinker, a planner, a guy who likes to figure things out. When I start my fall I always end up in the same mental pattern: I can get myself out of this if I just stopped to figure out a plan of action and follow it.
It never works. What it does do is give me yet another stick to beat myself with.
Why can't I just do the thing? It's simple, it's easy, it takes 10 minutes. It'll fix my issues. WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THE THING?
And the reason I keep doing it is because when I'm really bad I'm an emotional masochist. I like feeling bad about myself, I deserve to feel bad about myself, and when I feel like I don't I run down Bad Memory Lane1. I run off the adrenaline spikes it gives me to feel angry at myself and others internally, and I always reason it's fine because it's only me it's hurting and it's only on the inside.2
So none of the schemes I draw up work, each failure fuelling my masochism, and down and down I go.
Until...
STOP TRYING.
Drop everything. Gym routine? Gone, just go as and when it's safe and good to do so. Dieting? Gone, just try to eat within reason and within practicality. Reading goals? Active hobbies? Career plans? Gone. Not necessary. House tasks? Gone until absolutely necessary. Dust will come and dust will go; it can wait another day.
Everything but the things I must actively do in order to continue existing and keeping a roof over my head I will do, but they're mostly automatic.3
ACCEPT THE REALITY OF YOUR CURRENT STATE
There's no point kidding myself any further. Things aren't great. Trying to convince myself otherwise is just another mental struggle that fuels the descent. Once I accept reality, suddenly I start taking appropriate steps.
It's similar to the start of a cold. You feel it in the back of your throat, maybe start reaching for the tissues, but it's ok. It's just the sniffles. It'll pass, and you can totally keep doing all the things that you want to do. See people, go gym, eat out, and now you're bed ridden for days with heavy cold symptoms and your weekend is wasted, along with maybe a sick day or two.
Kidding myself doesn't change the fact that I'm depressed and spiralling. Accepting that I'm depressed and spiralling forces me to take stock and start being realistic about what I am capable of and perhaps more importantly, forces me to act appropriately. Reach out to the right people, start opening up and letting stuff out.
Slowly, both of these things slow the drop until I level out. Note that by levelling out, I'm not better. I'm still depressed, and still way below what would be a happy medium. But I'm no longer falling, and instead I'm starting to act in accordance with reality, not with the version that I've trying to use to 'motivate' myself.
Soon after, maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks, I find myself getting itchy. Maybe I really want to read my book, or pick up my guitar. Maybe I'm missing the gym, and dip my toes back in the water. Miss speaking to a friend? Drop a text. Feel like I've got a bit more energy on Wednesday? Pick up a few extra tasks from the queue, maybe ask around for anything that others need help with.
None of these are being done actively. I'm not planning my way around them. I'll do them if I have the motive in the moment. Regardless, it still starts building momentum, and before long I'm picking myself back up. The level rises, and I get closer and closer to that happy medium.
Then I can start trying.
There are some things that do escape the cut when it comes to stopping everything outside of work.
I continued tracking my mood hourly on Daylio, or as near to hourly as I could. This became an invaluable source of data, both during the spiral (statistical evidence that every day isn't as bad as I thought) and on the way out (validation of activities that improved my mood, and more importantly, an increase in my mood score and stability as validation of my overall improvement).
I continued tracking my body weight, more to ensure I kept an eye on just how bad I was getting, which was pretty bad but not as bad as I have been.
And I continued to walk my dog most days rather than hand that off completely because even at my worst, I just love his confident little stroll.
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Second left off Trauma Avenue.↩
Which is never the case. There's always collateral damage.↩
This includes work. I have a 'No sick days unless literally unavoidable' rule. As long as I can log onto my laptop and do the bare minimum in order to get paid, I'll do it. This might not sound healthy, especially in cases surrounding sever mental health, but I've always found that when I do get bad enough to call in sick it gets waved away without question. Reputation, reputation, reputation.↩