when is the right time?
I've been asking that question a lot recently. It's part of the old routine, the one that follows a breakdown.
First step: stabilise. Whether that's med adjustments, time off work, off commitments, or all of the above. Rest. Heal. Stabilise.
Second step: apologise. You probably don't need to, but you need to1. Unless you've done real damage (and I hadn't), it's likely going to be hand waved, but still. There's an ache of regret, of shame for displaying such intense vulnerability, and while you can spend hours with a therapist talking about it to try and reduce that pain sometimes the quick fix is more efficient. Real work comes later.
Third step: re-engage. Baby steps. Starting picking up work again, maybe reply to a few of those messages you've left unread. Dog needs walking, playing, entertainment. Books need reading2, chores need doing. The more you do, the more normal you feel, but too much and we slip so again, baby steps.
Final step: normality. Engage in your everyday; hobbies, work, relationships, start filling your time and life with things that bring you joy whilst not necessarily shying away from things that make you feel. Light with the dark, you know?
I'm currently somewhere between the third and final step, and that question is what stops me from making the leap.
Because I've seen too much. Because I've been too much. And I cannot go back again. I just can't3.
So, when is the right time?
When is the right time to actually talk to your friends, some of whom you have open loops with? When is the right time to check in with people on their stuff, and even maybe spend some face time with them? Maybe even open up yourself4?
When is the right time to take a hold of your physical health again? When is the right time to try and find the strength for that particular battle, when all of your will is bent in the other direction, where there's yum nuts, and cake, and oh so much wine?
When is the right time to try and hold yourself accountable in an objective way? You've been slipping a bit buddy, not been keeping up on your mental and physical tidying. Thoughts and ideas and projects are just rattling in your skull while your desks clutter up more and more. When is the right time to really take some time for yourself and tidy that mess?
I talk a great game. I've managed to get two decent paying jobs back to back in fields I had no professional or real-world experience off the back of my confidence (or arrogance) in picking up whatever they throw at me with my tangential technical abilities. I can make it seem to perfect strangers that I'm switched on, highly motivated, and ready to throw myself out there.
But I struggle to back that up at the third step. I'm the guy Brené Brown lectured about, so afraid of vulnerability that I'd rather hide on Reddit, never commenting, never posting, only mindlessly consuming, until it's safe to come out.
I have the benefit of knowing that at my core, I'm not a coward. I might dodge hard work sometimes, but I've been around enough to know how I can respond in high pressure situations. Sometimes I break, but more often than not I rise. So I can call myself useless, fat, lazy, but not coward. I can stand when I choose to.
So, when is the right time? Simple.
When I decide it is.
...
Fuck.
Your mileage may vary; might just be the British in me, wanting to apologise for making a scene. Rest assured you don't need to apologise for your mental health.↩
Always go for the easy books at first; don't reach for Cryptonomicon or something.↩
Another part of the final step is accepting that I probably and in all likelihood will relapse again, and that's also ok. I mean, it's not, but it is.↩
Other than my wife, our therapist, and my boss who needed to know when I called in sick, I haven't talked about this. To anyone. When is the right time to drop into conversation 'so I had a break down that was Dark Thoughts followed by a panic attack followed by rage at the panic attack followed by another panic attack that broke after laughing at my wife who thought a shopping bag was the correct response to a request for a paper bag?'↩